My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
When I snag the last meatball.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination