Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
This kid is going places
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.