This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it