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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”