Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”