I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I know
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.