“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.