when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Meow
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Sharon, call the vet
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!