Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You Might Also Like
I feel seen.
Your honor these allegations are
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.