I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.