Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
You Might Also Like
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!