[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”