H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
How funny!
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes