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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…