One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
termite twitter scares me
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Care for your back
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember