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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Florida be like…
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go