Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…