me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Oh the world we live in…
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.