Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.