Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.