white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
A Short Story.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
We avoided this particular disaster
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today