People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?