THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
become ungovernable
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
This anagram machine is out of order.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom