him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me too, bag. Me too….
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.