If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.