daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Education is vital
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax