I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
mood
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Breaking news:
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
how was your vacation
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.