Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.