before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!