my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet