People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Coffee is ready.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Lassie, get help!