People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You got this…
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.