Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You Might Also Like
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
#parenting
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Breaking news:
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.