Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping