I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot