Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.