You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]