Who’s ready for Friday?!
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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
i want the dreams to chase me for once
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.