Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
that lip filler tho
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.