*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
New menu item
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…