friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.