A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
real
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.