Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
why no one uses midhusbands
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
you will never know the true number of layers
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.