Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
#Caturday
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good