omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*praying for world peace*
God:
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.