Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me