My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.