“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Yup
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea