ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.