David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Very problematic
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.